By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
