I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
we made out on top of his cat.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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