Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
