One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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