I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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