So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
