So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
is that a dick in a sweater?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
