look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
How's work?
Spinning.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
