if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Randomize
