I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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