i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
