I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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