THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
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