If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
