everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Sext me about skeletons
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
