so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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