I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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