Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
