i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
