I never want to see another naked old woman again.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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