wrigley field is MILF paradise
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
