Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
