I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
