I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
