I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
