he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
