What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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