I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
