She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
