You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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