There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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