Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
