NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
