I looked at my own cervix.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Randomize
