the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
