I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
