and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
