new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
i think my cat just said my name.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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