Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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