I accidentally burped into my bong.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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