I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
