can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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