i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
