God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
