I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
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