Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm just crazy horny about you
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
