My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
