if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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