Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
