I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
