bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
