a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
