I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Is Oprah even human
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
